walking away

One of the more tricky issues that I question often now is on the subject of mourning.  If someone you care about slipped into a persistent vegetative state with no warning (as in they weren’t 99 and in poor health, or something), how exactly do you respond?  The person isn’t dead yet so there is no concrete “now you feel sad” cue.  However there also is not much research on and information about prognosis of PVS patients, what exactly is biochemically occurring.. there’s always a chance that some miracle will happen and recovery will be had.  Oh, and let’s not forget the grand topic of whether or not they are actually “there” and able to know what is going on!

So you are basically living in a grey zone.  And the result, at least for me, is a very mutated “5 stages of grief” ladder.  I think I am now on Step 5 (Acceptance, apparently the “good one”).  Most days for me are therefore quite matter-of-fact and possibly even more productive and fulfilling than they were before last summer.  Since I am more aware of how quickly things can be taken away, I am more determined to take advantage of every opportunity I have to do what I want to do.

(On a sidenote, I feel like I have turned into an evangelical character, constantly urging those around me to always be grateful for what they have and looking at the positives in everything.  Honestly, if that has started to drive you batty, I assure you that I am only doing it for my own benefit – if only to remind myself to do those things.)

Other days are odd, with a cup of annoyance (when people lose perspective – but then again I would like to lose perspective and go back to the way things were, some days), a dash of politics (Terry Schiavo anyone?), and a pinch of walking away.  The pinches have been added in slowly.  First deleting his phone numbers out of my cell phone last year, slowly replacing my pronouns and nouns (“my parents” make me flinch when I accidentally say it, now I find myself saying “my mom”), and today establishing ownership over his old camera.

My dad has always had an interest and hobby in photography, and pursued it on the side of his busy career.  His first favorite camera was a Pentax Optio S4 that I inherited and have been using for the last 3 years, taking it on all my adventures.  Today, my mom suggested that I start using his Panasonic DMC-FZ20 (the reason he gave me the Pentax) since it has been sitting around for a long time.  It’s been 11 months (to the day?) now.

Chesapeake Bay, 2005

(One of my favorites by my dad.)